Bob’s Banter – There’s More Space on Mars

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Indian Space Research Organization scientists and engineers cheer after India's Mars orbiter successfully entered the red planet's orbit, at their Spacecraft Control Center on September 24, 2014. Abhishek N. Chinnappa/Reuters
Indian Space Research Organization scientists and engineers cheer after India’s Mars orbiter successfully entered the red planet’s orbit, at their Spacecraft Control Center on September 24, 2014. Abhishek N. Chinnappa/Reuters

It’s time all you men in India stop dreaming about Mars and Martians and start looking after your women

ROBERT CLEMENTS

[dropcap]A[/dropcap] billion and more in India, jump with excitement at the prospect of owning Mars: In Delhi, where narrow lanes converge into narrower ones, and narrower ones converge into crawling space which finally end up in a shanty where one’s legs when one sleeps have to be closely knitted to one’s body, and where even a slight movement by one sleeping form can upset the symmetry of sleeping bodies, the people are ecstatic.

“Rocket to Mars very successful!” said one sleeping form who was waking up, to another as he tried to balance his newspaper on the upper part of his torso without upsetting the person who was drinking his tea who tried not to nudge the sleeping form of his wife next to him.

“Why successful?” asked the tea drinking slum dweller, gingerly sipping from his cup andwatching with anxiety as a few truant drops slipped down his elbow and onto the ruffled sari of his sleeping wife. “Why successful?” he asked again.

“Arrey bhai, there is more space on Mars!” said the one who’d spoken first, “In Mars you and I can toss and turn in our sleep, you can put your leg up on the other leg, like you did last night, without disturbing me. In Mars it will be the end of all our problems!”

“Modi is surely great!” said the man sipping tea, rhetorically, hoping that he would not wake his wife who was known for her hash words when disturbed.

“I wonder which slum will go first to Mars!” said the man sipping tea again, “If our slum went, then by next week I would be able snore again in my sleep!”

“But brother you used to snore very loudly, in Mars, they will open your nostrils or what?”

“No stupid, we will sleep so far away from each other, you won’t hear me!” said the man as he touched his nose and longed to hear its roar again.

He touched it lovingly again, and tried to emit a near snore sound, that somehow came out like a strangled wail, startling his wife who pushed his hand and upset the tea cup on herself, she screamed and jumped out of the bed and stared with furious eyes at the two men, after snatching the newspaper and glaring at the headlines, “Mars!” she screamed, “Mars!” she shouted rubbing the red spot on her arm where the burning tea had scalded her hand.

“You can’t look after your women in India, and you want to conquer Mars? Bad enough we are known as the rape capital of the world, now he and you want Mars to share the same name? It’s time all you men in India, especially that man with the designer kurta and beard, stop dreaming about Mars and Martians and start looking after your women! Look at my arm! Even in my sleep you hurt me..!”

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All opinions and views expressed in columns and blogs are those of individual writers and do not necessarily reflect the editorial policy of Caravan

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